please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
