I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
