Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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