if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I could fuck to npr.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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