He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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