The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
