this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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