It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
