don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
