I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
