Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
