So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You can't special order awesome
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
