I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
