I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
