Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
