I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
