I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
