sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
