Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
