I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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