When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize