textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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