You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
