Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We need to rekindle our bromance
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
