I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
