just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
