____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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