that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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