I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize