Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
