There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
