she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
