Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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