I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
