Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
