I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
