Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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