I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
