I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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