I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
