I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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