watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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