did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
