My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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