it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
