I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
