Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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