new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
