Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
