he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
