woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
