I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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