John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
