I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
