Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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