in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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