she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
