I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want to be your penis for a week.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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