I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
