We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
