i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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