My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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