she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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