i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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