I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
