Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
