took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
