that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
