Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pants are for mortals
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
