Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
