you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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