At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
